Matrix Revolutions, The Other Versions
by Anakin McFly
Summary: Chapter 15 up: The D-Movie Magic Version
1. Enid Blyton Strikes Back

Disclaimer: _The Matrix_, its characters, and universe are the creation and property of Laurence and Andrew Paul Wachowski.

This fic means no offense whatsoever to all wonderful British people out there. ;P The author comes from an ex-British colony. Go figure.

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MATRIX REVOLUTIONS: THE BRITISH VERSION

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_(For added effect, read the dialogue in a British accent)_

The rain fell, fell as it never had before. Sheets of water cascaded down from the dark clouds above, and the heavens rumbled with the sounds of thunder. Below, the city was a dark wasteland. Tall buildings, almost identical, rose up towards the twilight sky; and in them, the Smith clones watched by the windows as the final battle was about to begin.

"Good evening, Mr. Anderson, my good sir," Smith greeted. "How are you today?"

Neo gazed straight ahead at the man. "Quite fine indeed, old chap. Horrid weather today, isn't it?"

Smith's lips curled upwards in a smile. "Oh yes. I created it, you know. Took a fair bit of effort, too. Do you like it?"

"I'm really sorry to have to tell you this, Smith, but I _daresay_ I will have to kill you tonight."

Smith sighed. "Oh, bother! I'll get my best suit all wet and dirty. Mother would be furious!"

"You don't _have_ a mother, Smith."

Realisation hit the Agent. "By gosh, you're absolutely right! Well, I _suppose_ you could consider the Oracle to be my mother. And she bakes the most scrumptious cookies!"

"Oh yes, old fruit!" Neo agreed. "Her cooking is delicious!"

There was a long pause. Rain fell. Thunder clapped. Douglas Adams is dead.

"I suppose we should get on with it, then," Neo said after some time.

"A pity, really," his oppenent remarked. "It's a mighty fine day today, not fit to be squandered on pointless fighting when we know all too well that I'm going to win in the end."

"We've had a marvellous time, Smith, you and I. But I suppose that everything has to end, some time."

"After you, Mr. Anderson."

"As you wish, then."

Neo hit him, then they were off in the air... The Virus and The One, battling above the city of the Matrix, fighting for the fate of humankind.

Hopefully, they'd be done by suppertime.

**THE END**

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Review? ;P 


	2. Neo and Smith's Excellent Adventure

Disclaimer: _The Matrix_ is the property of Laurence and Andrew Paul Wachowski. I likewise do not own _Dude, Where's My Car?_ or _Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure_, which this chapter was inspired by.

Uh, the tenses in this one are kind of messed up, partially because it was translated from an originally script fic that was supposed to be the second chapter of my fic 'Dude, Where's My Sunglasses?' that got deleted last year. But as long as none of you are English teachers, it should be fine.

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Matrix Revolutions: The Dude-ified Version

It was a most triumphant storm. It had clouds and thunder and lightning and everything, and there were these clone dudes who all looked like Agent Smith standing around the place. They were all wearing really excellent sunglasses. The original Agent Smith was standing in the middle, and Neo was walking towards him. He also had really excellent sunglasses, and I want them but he won't let me try them on. He's got this real pair that's based on the one he has in the Matrix, but he keeps it to himself all the time which is just selfish.

"Mr. Anderson, welcome back," Agent Smith said.

"How's it going, dudes?" Neo asked in a much more friendly voice than Smith's.

"We... missed you," Smith said, ignoring Neo's greeting, which was totally rude of him.

But Neo didn't follow his example. "Yeah, me too," he said.

Smith was still kinda talking to himself, because he was ignoring everything Neo said. "Like what I've done to the place?"

"Yeah!" Neo exclaimed happiy. "It's like 'Attack of the Clones', dude!"

"No, Mr. Anderson, it's not."

"Oh."

Smith has this totally egregious habit of always calling Neo 'Mr. Anderson'. Neo doesn't like it, and he keeps telling Smith to call him 'Neo', but Smith never listens. I think maybe he's slightly deaf.

"You've forgotten your lines again, haven't you, Mr. Anderson?"

"Um..." Neo said.

"So why, why, may I ask, are you getting paid more than me? Why, Mr. Anderson, WHY?"

"I don't know, dude," said Neo.

"You are wasting your time, Mr. Anderson."

Neo's face lit up. "So can I go then?"

Smith just glared at him in a most heinous way. "No, Mr. Anderson," he said. "You cannot escape. Resistance is futile, Mr. Anderson."

"Bogus," Neo sighed.

"Yes, Mr. Anderson. You have reached the point of no return and there is no returning. Tonight, either you die or I die. Most probably it will be you that dies, Mr. Anderson, because I'll prefer it that way."

"Bogus," Neo said again.

"Everything that has a beginning has an end, Mr. Anderson."

"How about the Neverending Story, dude?" Neo asked.

"It ended, Mr. Anderson."

Neo was shocked. "No way!"

"Yes way!"

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" Neo yelled, like the way Luke Skywalker did when he found out that the most bodaciously evil dude in the galaxy was actually his dad.

But Smith hadn't watched _Star Wars_, or maybe he was really deaf like I said, because he didn't say anything about Neo's _Star Wars_ reference.

"You see, Mr. Anderson," he said instead, "there is nothing left in this world for you to fight for. So why don't you just give up?"

Neo scratched his head and looked puzzled. "I thought you said I couldn't leave, dude."

Now Smith was confused too. "Oh," he said. "Uh..."

Neo stopped being confused and grinned. "GOTCHA, dude!"

Smith scowled most righteously at him, with his eyebrows doing evil eyebrow stuff. "Keep quiet, Mr. Anderson!" he said. "I'm trying to think!"

Neo became interested, because now he could try and see how other people did their thinking. He'd never really learnt how to think before, so now he could watch Smith and see how he d--

* * *

That was when Neo violently yanked the keyboard away from Ted Logan's fingers. 

_"What do you think you're..._" Neo's eyes scanned through the words that the teen had typed out on the computer, and he raised his eyebrows. "That is NOT funny," he muttered darkly.

Neo hit several well-chosen keys on the keyboard, and the story was deleted before its author could do anything.

"Hey!" Ted yelled in a wounded voice when he realised what had happened. "I was writing that, dude!"

Neo closed the window for the _Matrix Revolutions_ script as well. "Well, not anymore. Get lost. I want the computer."

"Can you lend me your sunglasses?" Ted asked hopefully.

Neo gritted his teeth. "For the forty-second time, NO!"

Ted's face fell. "Why?"

"Because. Get off the chair."

Miserably, the teen obeyed and trudged off to a corner of the room. Times like this, he really missed Bill.

**THE END**

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Review! ;P 

To readers of They've Got Mail: You know all those times when the characters were just sort of sitting around doing nothing? Well, maybe this is one of the things that happened then. ;)

To non-readers of They've Got Mail: Hi! ;P

**Nithke**: Thanks for reviewing!  
**frozonedude12**: Absolutely, old fruit.  
**Fuzzy Bunny**: Thanks for reviewing!  
**LiMiYa**: Yep. More versions on the way! ;)  
**HyperCaz**: Thanks for your review! ;P  
**Fellowship of the Band Geeks**: I could make the next one freakier...  
**Perilous**: Heh. I used to be an Enid Blyton fan too. Funny about the English teacher's question. ;P  
**FanOfLOST**: Thanks for reviewing!  
**smithbabe65**: Thank you very much, old bean! Tea? Oh, how kind of you.  
**frantastic**: Thanks for reviewing!  
**Back to Front**: Thanks for your review! Sorry, I'm running out of stuff to say.  
**Selina Enriquez**: Thanks! Um, yeah. Are you okay afterfalling off the chair? ;)  
**Eyes of sky**: French version... hmm. Maybe sometime in another chapter, though I'm not too familiar with how the French speak.


	3. The Llama Has You

Disclaimer: Don't own _The Matrix_. Don't own any llamas either.

Yay! I'm on a study break! That means I don't have to go to school, because I'm supposed to use this time to… uh… study. Yeah.

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**THE LLAMA HAS YOU**

_And so,_ Neo thought, as he walked the rain-spattered road towards his nemesis, _it has come to this._

He remembered all he had gone through to reach this night. Remembered how, long ago, he had woken up to see that enigmatic message on his computer screen:

_Wake up, Neo.  
__The Matrix has your llama.  
__Follow him.  
__He's going, Neo._

That was when his best friend, Bob the Llama, had run past him to the door. He'd followed Bob through the night streets, not knowing what else to do, and Bob had let him to a party.

That was where he'd met Trinity.

"_I know why you're here, Neo. I know what you've been doing. I know why you hardly sleep, why you live alone, and why night after night you sit by your llama. It's the question that drives us mad. It's the question that brought you here. You know the question, just as I did."_

_He knew the question, all right. "What do you get when you multiply six by nine?"_

_Trinity blinked. "Uh, no. I meant the other question."_

"_What is the Matrix?"_

_She looked relieved. "Yeah, that one."_

Then the next day, the Agents had kidnapped Bob. And they caught him, too, when he tried to go after them. They wouldn't let Bob go, and they said that they'd put Neo in jail if he tried to get Bob out.

_Agent Smith stared squarely at him. "As you can see, we've had our eye on your llama for some time now, Mr. Anderson. It seems like he's been living two lives. In one life, he's Bob the Llama, your dear faithful pet. Like any good llama, all he does is chew and spit, but he also helps you to carry out your garbage, which is something most llamas won't do. But his other life is lived in another world, a world in which he is known as Bob the Great. A world where he rules over a planet of people who worship him like a god and encourage his illegal activities – which we have reason to believe include plans to take over the universe. _

"_I'm going to be as forthcoming as I can, Mr. Anderson. Bob must be killed. And he's going to be killed, whether you cooperate or not."_

_Neo glared at him. "How about I give you the finger… and you give me my llama."_

"_Tell me, Mr. Anderson… what good is a llama, if it is unable to spit?"_

And Neo had watched in horror as the Agents sealed up poor Bob's mouth. Neo had screamed and screamed, when all of a sudden he'd woken up in bed. Only Bob was nowhere to be seen.

Then someone named Morpheus had called him up, told him that he knew what was going on and that Neo was to meet him at a dingy room in Lafayette Hotel if he wanted to know more. So Neo had gone. He'd found Morpheus exactly where he'd been told. Morpheus had a shiny bald head.

"_Do you believe in free will, Neo?"_

"_No."_

"_Why not?"_

"_Because I don't like the idea that I'm not in control of my llama."_

"_Ah. But what if I told you that you were not?"_

"_I…"_

Then he'd gone into a room, strange things had happened with a mirror, and Neo had woken up in the Real World.

Morpheus told him the truth: it was now the future, and things had changed horrifically. This was a world where llamas were not born… they were grown. The machines had done it. Though Morpheus admitted one thing on behalf of the human race:

"…_But it was us that scorched the llamas," Morpheus said. "Some of us thought that, perhaps, if the llamas were burnt, the machines would not see much use in them any more. But we were wrong."_

For six months, they fought for the freedom of the llamas. Once, he died… but Trinity had resurrected him with those few immortal words:

"_You can't be dead. You can't be, because I love llamas."_

And now, Neo was here for the final showdown. Face set, he approached Smith… but then he saw who lay next to him.

Bob.

Neo's mouth fell open as he stared at his late beloved pet. Bob was dead. Maggots were crawling all over him, eating his flesh…

"Good evening, Mr. Anderson!" Smith greeted loudly. "Like what I've done to the llama?"

"No," Neo choked out. "No… it can't be… not Bob… NOOOOOOOOOO!"

Lightning flashed. Thunder clapped.

Neo's vision swam as he observed Bob's mangled form, lying there, slaughtered, maggoty…

Slowly, Neo crumpled onto the ground. It was all over… all over…

Neo died.

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Room 436  
The Kenselton Hotel 

Ted Logan grinned as he finished reading the fic, wondering what Neo would think of the llama-fied version of his life. Scrolling to the top of the page, he glanced through the reviews, when one caught his eye:

"_XD This was great. Poor Ted, Neo being all mean like that... Glares at neo, then hands Anakin McFly a cookie Its the least I could do... Well, other than this review..."_

'_Cookie'_? Ted wondered hungrily, when somewhere in another universe, Anakin McFly decided that Ted would like the cookie more and so did something about that.

All of a sudden, a cookie appeared out of nowhere in front of Ted. It was brown and crispy and had chocolate chips in it.

_Excellent!_ Ted thought happily. He took the cookie and proceeded to munch happily on it, not the least bit concerned about its mysterious appearance.

The sound of the toilet being flushed reached his ears, and seconds later Neo walked out of the bathroom. He saw the teen sitting at the computer, and he nearly spontaneously combusted in horror.

'What're you doing there?" Neo demanded, walking over.

Ted shrugged. "You went off, so I thought…"

"Can't I use the bathroom for five minutes without you…" Neo's eyes narrowed. "Where'd you get that cookie?"

"I dunno, dude," Ted admitted. "It sorta just appeared out of nowhere… Want some?" He held out the half-eaten cookie.

Neo stared. "What d'you mean, it appeared out of nowhere? Cookies don't appear out of nowhere."

"They do. I saw it." The teen took another bite and smiled. He liked the cookie. It was a nice cookie.

Neo decided to let it go for the moment. There were more important things on his mind at the moment. "Move off," he said. "And you'd better not have touched anything."

He glanced briefly at the currently open computer window. '_The Llama Has You'_? he wondered with a raised eyebrow, then nudged Ted's hand off the mouse and closed the window. "Give me back my chair."

Ted reluctantly got up, finishing off the cookie. He looked around, half-hoping that another cookie would appear, but nothing happened. Ted looked back at the computer screen. "What're you doing, dude?"

"Hacking into Keanu Reeves' bank account. Go away."

"Whoa. How much money does he have?"

"A lot."

"How much?"

"You don't need to know, because you're not getting any of it."

"Why not?"

"You already had the cookie," Neo stated matter-of-factly, and that was the end of the conversation.

**End.

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Review!

Hitchhiker's fans, go read 'So Long, and Thanks for all the Phish'. It's under the penname 'Ol' Janx Spiriteers'.

Oh, and I have a LiveJournal now; my username is anivad.

**HyperCaz: **Thanks for reviewing!  
**Belamancer:** Whatever you say, old chap. Tea? Why, thank you!  
**Bagpipes5K2:** Okay, more here!  
**Bekypowriter:** That's the point. ;P Uh, 'the English do talk like us'? Who's 'us'? Because, uh, I'm not American… If you like no-swear fics, read the rest of mine. ;)**MysticalBlueVirus:** I don't know if I'll ever write a French version; I might, but I don't really think so. Thanks for offering the help! I'll keep that in mind if I ever decide to do one.  
**LiMiYa:** Heh. Thanks! More insanity here…  
**Sugar-high-pixie:** And here's another chapter…  
**Fellowship of the Band Geeks: **Hilarious and freaky is fun. :D Thanks for reviewing!  
**Elephantsrocmysox: **Okay, I'm updating.  
**Rebellion Yamato:** Heheh… thanks for the cookie review!  
**Drunk soul demon666:** What's with your penname? Oh, shameless plug here: if you like Bill and Ted – Matrix crossovers, go read They've Got Mail. Yep. You can skip the first bits if it's too long, and read the fourteenth chapter onwards.  
**Jim:** Ditto. Thanks for reviewing!


	4. Like, totally

Disclaimer: I no own _Matrix._ I no spik Ingeerrish.

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**MATRIX REVOLUTIONS - THE UBER BLONDE VERSION**

It was, like, this totally huge thunderstorm, y'know? All sorts of thunder and ligthtning and rain and stuff like that, and then all over the place there was, like, all these Smith clones, and they were, like, watching the main Smith guy fight that Neo fellow, y'know?

Smith was like, "Welcome back, Mr. Anderson, we missed you, like what we've done to the place?" Because y'see he'd made the city all kinda dark and stuff and it was totally cool, and then Neo was like, "It ends tonight, Smith", and then there was this really really cool fight scene where they were all, like, flying around the sky and fighting each other, y'know? And Smith could, like, punch Neo really really hard until he, like, smashed right through a building, but Neo could do that to Smith too, see?

And then, and then after a while they must have gotten kinda tired, I guess, because they sorta stopped fighting and Neo, like, just lay there on the ground and Smith made this totally cool speech, although I couldn't really understand most of it. But it still sounded really really cool anyway.

Smith was like, "This is MY world, Mr. Anderson, MY world!" and me and my friends thought it was really funny that he still called Neo 'Mr. Anderson', because Neo keeps telling Smith to call him Neo, but Smith, like, never listens to him? I mean, if he wanted to insult Neo, then he could've, like, called him Tommy instead, because that's Neo's real name, y'know? Thomas Anderson, Thomas, Tommy...

So anyway Smith did his cool speech thing and Neo just sorta lay on the ground, but then he probably thought it looked really stupid to just, like, lie there in the rain, so he got up, but then Smith did that really cool thing, y'know the one where he kinda sticks his hand into someone and this icky black goo stuff comes out and, like, covers the other person, and then when that person's totally covered, he becomes another Smith? Yeah, it's kinda gross in a way, but it's also really cool.

But Neo can't become Smith, see, because he's The One and all that, y'know? So everything goes into this Matrix code thing and Neo turns orange or gold or something and kinda breaks free, and then the Smith he, like, turned into gets all twitchy, like he's got some bug crawling under his suit, and then he blows up and then all the other Smiths, like, blow up too, and it's really really cool. First all their sunglasses turn sorta green in colour, then they blow up!

Yeah, but Neo dies anyway, and Smith dies too, which is actually really stupid, because then no one really wins, though i guess Neo kinda won 'cause he, like, defeated Smith and freed the humans, y'know?

So there's all this great partying going on in Zion, which is, like, the last human city in the 'real world', y'know? And everyone's totally happy 'cause the war is over and all that, and now they can, like, free the other humans still stuck in the Matrix, y'know?

And there's that old Architect guy, the one who looks like Colonel Sanders, and he goes walking around in the Matrix with Seraph and the Oracle and that little Indian girl, Sati, and there's this totally beautiful sunset over the city that Sati made, and she's like, "Will we ever see Neo again?" and the Oracle's like, "Yeah, sure", which is totally stupid 'cause Neo's, like, dead, y'know? But maybe Sati can, like, see dead people, y'know like that little boy from _The Sixth Sense_? Yeah... so it all sorta ended there, and the credits came on with this totally cool music and my friend ran off because she really really needed to go to the bathroom.

**- end -**

XXXX

The Kenselton Hotel  
Room 436

Ted Logan wandered aimlessly around the room. He wanted the computer, but Neo wouldn't let him have it. Bored, Ted left the room and went to check out next door.

The door was ajar, so he pushed it open and entered, gagging almost at once at the strong smell of cigarette smoke in the room.

Inside, John Constantine took another puff from his cigarette and glared at Ted.

Ted tried unsuccessfully to wave the smell away. "You really shouldn't smoke, dude," he advised.

John ignored him and went on smoking.

"You might get lung cancer or something heinous like that."

John took out a flamethrower, calmly pointed it at Ted, and seconds later the teen was a smouldering pile of ash on the floor.

"Look who's smoking now," John muttered.

xx

Ted bolted out of bed with a yell. He looked frantically around, then realised he was still alive.

_That was a most egregrious dream_, he thought, and flopped back onto the pillow.

On the computer, Neo casually transferred five million dollars out of Keanu Reeves' bank account and into the _Barney and Friends_ website.

* * *

Whee. 

Review? ;P

(Oh, my brother would like you to read and review his fic. It's called 'Left Clutch' and his penname is Jake Skywalker. It's basically about Neo, Ted and John on a ROAD TRIP! ...Uh, yeah. No, I don't get the title either. He's just weird that way.)


	5. Whoa

Author's Note: Uh, this chapter isn't exactly a proper chapter, more of a sort of bonus chapter thing because the bit that's actually relevant takes up less than half the chapter, but I kind of got carried away with the after-chapter mini story going on... And I just used the word 'chapter' five times in that sentence. Whoa.

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**MATRIX REVOLUTIONS: THE OTHER VERSIONS - WHOA**

It was raining like whoa.

"Good evening, Mr. Anderson," Smith said. "Like what I've done to the place?"

"Whoa," Neo said appreciatively.

"Yes, Mr. Anderson. Nice, isn't it? And all over there's me. Me, me, me, me."

"Whoa," Neo said in wonder.

"Why don't you surrender now, Mr. Anderson? You know there's no way you're going to win. I've seen it. I know how it will all end."

"Really?" Neo asked in a sudden spurt of vocabulary extension...

"Yes."

"Whoa." ...which was unfortunately short-lasting.

"You don't seem to have a very wide vocabulary, Mr. Anderson. Such is the sign of the pitiful intellect you humans have."

"..." said Neo, showing off the fact that he could say things other than 'whoa' and 'really?'.

Smith ran at him and threw a punch. Thinking he saw something nice and shiny on the ground, Neo ducked just in time and Smith's fist sailed calmly past his head.

"Whoa," Neo said, realising what had just happened.

"Stop saying that, Mr. Anderson," Smith said with gritted teeth. "It's beginning to get on my nerves."

"Whoa?" Neo questioned.

"Yes," Smith said. "That word."

"Whoa," Neo mused.

A second later, he was being pumelled to a squishy, juicy pulp and died in a bloody mess. The founders of eating-celebs at LiveJournal - of which the author is one - looked on in sadness, realising that this meant more damaged meat that could have otherwise been used as a source of ingredients for their famous Keanu Kebabs.

* * *

Room 436  
The Kenselton Hotel

Increasingly annoyed, Neo hit the button for 'Reload Level' yet again. The first level of _Path of Neo_ loaded up, and he stared at the screen with a much lower level of enthusiasm than he had the previous forty-two times or so.

Ted walked over munching on potato chips and watched Neo play with amusement.

"Whoa, you're still there?" he asked. "I finished the whole game yesterday in five hours..."

"Get lost," Neo said politely, then he swore as he once again got captured in the game.

"Do you want me to help, dude?"

"_No._"

"Want some?" Ted asked, holding out the bag of chips.

"_No._"

Ted shrugged and finished off the chips on his own, then left the television side because he found watching Neo play to be an agonising experience.

He lay around the bed for a while, having nothing much better to do. Ted fingered the plastic band around his left wrist: irremovable, something that identified him as the property of the Kenselton Facility for Quantum Research. On the band was printed his serial number: 206/989/LOG.

Bored, Ted hopped off the bed and left the room.

The fourth floor corridors were empty, though the occasional faint sound emanated from behind closed doors. Ted turned the corner, reached the end of the corridor, and went down the stairs to the third floor. Around the bend of this corridor, several men were engaged in low conversation but stopped when Ted appeared.

The teen smiled. "Hows it goin', dudes?" he greeted.

They just stared at him with varying degrees of hostility.

One of them narrowed his eyes. "Get lost, Keanu-spawn. This isn't your floor."

"I am most sorry to intrude, dudes, but I was bored and-" Ted yelped as an unidentified flying object flew by, narrowly missed his head and stuck in the wall, there it was then identified as a very shiny and very sharp knife.

"Whoa," Ted said, looking at it.

"Get lost, Keanu-spawn," the knife-thrower repeated, glaring at Ted.

He got the message. Dejectedly, the teen started walking back the way he had come, speeding up when another knife flew his way. Fortunately, it missed him; unfortunately, it smashed into an innocent bowl of petunias lying on the corner table.

"Oh no, not again," thought the bowl of petunias as it came to an unsightly end.

Meanwhile, Neo had finally finished the first half of the first level of _Path of Neo_, but was having considerable difficulty in proceeding any further. Somehow, it had all felt easier in real life.

* * *

**end**

Review! (And an e-cup of tea for anyone who figures out what Ted's serial number stands for.)


	6. Chinese Version

I'm Chinese, and I reserve the right to poke fun at my own race. (Though I'm not from China, I'm from Singapore, but well... THIS IS A SHOUT OUT TO ALL SINGAPOREANS OUT THERE! HAPPY BELATED NATIONAL DAY!)

...Anyway.

I don't own The Matrix trilogy.

**MATRIX REVOLUTIONS: THE CHINESE VERSION**

Nake wanshang, tian hen hei, yu hen da, shimisi hen duo. (That night, sky very black, rain very big, Smith very many.)

Tamen youxie zhan zai malubian, youxie zai jianzuwu li. (They got some stand on road, got some in buildings.)

Niou manman di xiang tamen zou. (Neo slowly slowly towards them walked.)

Ta quanshen shi; yushui cong ta de toufa he yifu di xialai. (He whole body wet; rain water from his head and clothes drip down.)

"Andesheng xiansheng, wanshang hao," shimisi shuo. ("Anderson mister, night good," Smith said.)

"Ni xihuan wo dui zheli zuodao de gaibian ma?" ("You like I to here do changes, huh?")

"Jinwan, dou hui jieshu le." ("Tonight, everything will end," Neo said.)

Ta de hua shi shimisi shengqi. (His words made Smith angry.)

Shimisi xiang niou pao. Niou xiang shimisi yiyang pao. (Smith towards Neo run, Neo also towards Smith same run.)

Tamen jiu huxiang dajia le. (They then mutual fight already.)

Liangren zhangtou feilaifeiqu. (Two people's fists fly here fly there.)

Bujiu, tamen yiqi feishang tian qu, jixu zai kongzhong zhandou. (Not long, they together fly up sky go, continue in air fight.)

Da ah, da ah, zuihou liangren dao xialai le. (Hit ah, hit ah, right end two people fall down already.)

Shimisi zhanqilai, liangyan dengzhe yangwo zai dishang de niou, jixu jiang henduo shenao de yingyuzi. (Smith stand up, two eyes glare at lying on ground Neo, continue say very many profound English words.)

Ta wen niou weishenme ta jianchi. (He ask Neo why he want persist.)

Niou shuo shi yinwei nashi ta ziji de jueding. (Neo say is because that is his own choice.)

Tamen jiu yu dajia le. (They then again fight.)

Aiya, weishenme zhege dianying doushi yizhi dajiadajia ah? (----, why this movie all is straight fight fight ah?)

Wo zhi tongyi lai kan yinwei wode nupengyou xihuan nage yanyuan, danshi nikan, ta yijin shuijiao le. (I only agree come watch because my girlfriend like that actor, but you see, she already sleeping.

Wo gaosu ta: "Ni yinyu ting budong, daodi weishenme yao kan yinyu dianying?" (I told her: "You English listen no understand, on earth why want watch English movie?")

Danshi ta haiyao lai. (But she still want come.)

Bendan. (Idiot.)

Langfeile wo yiwan de shijian. (Waste already my one night's time.)

Tayao shuijiao, jiu shuijiao la. Wo yao huijia le. (She want sleep, then sleep lah. I want go home already.)

**end.**

XXX

The Kenselton Hotel, fourth floor.

One thing about dreams is that they very rarely come true, and it was because of this that Ted Logan decided it wouldn't do him much harm to pay a little visit to John next door. Besides, Neo had finally managed to get past the first level of Path of Neo, and was busy enjoying the change of screen scenery.

Ted should have seen the fact that John had a room all to himself as a warning; John's original roommate had decided he couldn't take it any longer, and had scarpered off to another room on the fourth floor.

When Ted opened the door, John was sitting in a chair, smoking - of the cigarette kind, not the burning kind - and glaring intensely at the floor.

"How's it goin', dude?" Ted greeted cheerfully. He gave a friendly smile.

Friendly smiles do not work on John Constantine.

(Admittedly, this was partly due to the fact that he was staring at the floor, but even if he had been looking up, it still wouldn't have worked anyway.)

"Can you play guitar, dude?" Ted asked.

John went on smoking.

"Can you dance really, really well?" Ted asked.

At this, John finally looked up and gave Ted a look that very plainly said: "Do I look like the dancing type?"

Ted gave up hope of conversation and went to poke around the kitchen area, wondering if there were potato chips or pancake batter around.

Ted was searching behind the plates when John suddenly spoke, startling the teen and causing all the plates to fall and break harmoniously on the floor.

"You've been here before?" John asked, then cast a disparaging glance at the broken plates.

"Yeah. Me and Neo got zapped here last year, but we got rescued. Sorry about the plates, dude."

John Constantine couldn't care less about the plates. "Who rescued you?"

"Doctor Emmett Brown. He's this old scientist dude with a time machine." Ted grinned.

John raised an eyebrow. "Emmett Brown? The _Back to the Future_ guy?"

"Yeah."

John stuck his cigarette back into his mouth and fiddled with his wrist tag. 206/005/CON.

"Marty McFly was with us," Ted continued, trying to tip-toe round the plate pieces, then giving up and simply walking over them. "I knew him from band competitions."

"Is there any other way we can get out of this place?"

"I don't know, dude."

TO BE CONTINUED...

XXX

From a reviewer: _206 989 LOG bill and teds excelent adventure made in 1989(989)was rated #206 (206) on the everyones a critic top 100 movies and theodore logan (LOG)_.

Close. The second two parts are correct, namely the year and the surname. But, uh, the origin of 206 isn't _that_ obscure... it's a lot more obvious, actually. I've never even heard of the Everyone's a Critic thing...

If any of you figure out the first three numbers, give me Luke Skywalker's serial number as proof that you've got it. ;)


	7. Neo, I Choose You!

Disclaimer: I don't own The Matrix trilogy or Pokemon or about any other movie. The Kenselton Hotel and its concept are my creation. The Keanu Reeves Fight Song was inspired by the LiveJournal community keanucult; music and lyrics are by me and my brother, written in honour of Keanu Charles Reeves' 42nd birthday on 2nd September 2006. No stealing please. 42 is the Ultimate Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe and Everything.

I haven't played Pokemon in a while, so bits of this may not be very accurate... forgive me. Anyway, this is the longest chapter so far...

**MATRIX REVOLUTIONS - The Pokemon Version**

VIRUS wants to fight!

VIRUS sends out SMITH!

NEO, I choose you!

SMITH does KARATE CHOP!

It's not very effective...

NEO does MEGA-PUNCH!

It's super effective!

SMITh does HARDEN!

SMITH's defence increased!

NEO does FLY ATTACK!

It's not very effective...

SMITH uses EYEBROWS OF DOOM!

NEO is paralysed! He may or may not be able to attack the next turn!

SMITH does TACKLE!

NEO is paralysed and cannot attack!

SMITH does KARATE CHOP!

It's super effective!

SMITH uses CORNY POKEMON FIGHT MUSIC!

NEO is poisoned!

NEO uses ANTIDOTE!

SMITH does KARATE CHOP!

SMITH's attack missed!

NEO uses THE KEANU REEVES FIGHT SONG!

xxx

**THE KEANU REEVES FIGHT SONG** - Music and Lyrics by Anakin McFly and Jake Skywalker

_CHORUS_:  
This is the Keanu (X3)  
Fight song  
This is the Keanu (X3)  
Fight song!

(Instrumental)

He crashed into a mountain  
And he ruptured his spleen  
Something happened to his left ankle  
And his right leg too  
Got arrested for drunk driving  
He believes in spontaneous combustion  
This is the Keanu  
Fight song

_CHORUS_

Well, he's not that good an actor  
But he's got the KC-factor  
What's more, he's the only actor  
With a fight song  
He was brought up in ol' Canada  
Just north of North America  
And he's the only guy there  
With a fight song

(Instrumental)

He has a lot of motorbikes  
I guess that he likes motorbikes  
But even KC's bikes don't have a  
Fight song  
A computer, KC does not have  
Just wait till Neo hears of that  
I bet Neo would also want  
A fight song

_CHORUS_

(Instrumental)

And now, KC is forty-two  
Like in that book, H2G2  
Though Douglas Adams didn't have  
A fight song  
And soon he will be dead and gone  
And KC will be known as late  
And from his grave will resonate  
His fight song

_FINAL CHORUS_

xxx

NEO's attack increases!

SMITH uses LONG PROFOUND SPEECH!

NEO falls asleep!

SMITH does TACKLE!

NEO wakes! NEO uses NO SPELL-CHECK!

SMITH's TACKLE turns into a CACKLE!

It's not very effective...

NEO does MEGA-PUNCH!

It's super-effective!

SMITH does TAKEOVER!

NEO starts to turn into a SMITH!

Oh no! Why is this happening?

NEO uses RESIST!

SMITH's attack is foiled!

NEO does COOL SHINY GOLDEN EXPLOSION THING!

It's super effective!

SMITH blows up!

SMITH has fainted!

VIRUS sends out ELROND!

Will ANAKIN MCFLY change Pokemon?

_No._

ELROND does POINTY EARS WIGGLE!

NEO is dead and cannot attack!

ELROND uses RULEBOOK!

Oh no, it says that you are not allowed to use dead Pokemon to fight!

_Okay, fine, I'll change it._

Go TED!

TED does AIR GUITAR!

ELROND is deafened!

ELROND uses HEARING AID!

Oh no, it won't fit over his Elven ears!

TED uses GUITAR WHACK!

ELROND is paralysed! He may or may not be able to attack the next turn!

VIRUS sends out CONSTANTINE!

Will ANAKIN MCFLY change Pokemon?

_I said no._

CONSTANTINE uses DRAGON'S BREATH!

It's super effective!

TED does HAPPY SMILE!

CONSTANTINE is traumatised! He may or may not be able to attack the next turn!

TED does SINGING!

CONSTANTINE is deafened!

CONSTANTINE uses HEARING AID!

Oh no, it is of Elven make and won't fit over his human ears!

TED uses TACKLE!

TED's attack missed!

CONSTANTINE does SMOKING!

CONSTANTINE gets LUNG CANCER!

Well, that wasn't too smart of him, was it?

TED uses TIME TRAVEl!

CONSTANTINE is ERASED FROM EXISTENCE!

VIRUS sends out JACK!

JACK does SPEEDING BUS!

It's super effective!

TED is flattened!

Go MOUNTAIN!

MOUNTAIN does SPLEEN RUPTURE!

Oh no, JACK's spleen gets ruptured!

JACK does SCREAM OF AGONY!

It's not very effective...

MOUNTAIN does HARDEN!

MOUNTAIN's defence increased!

JACK does BUS BOMB!

It's super effective!

MOUNTAIN crumbles and faints!

ANAKIN MCFLY does OH-CRAP-I'M-OUT-OF-POKEMON!

ANAKIN MCFLY whited out!

**-end-**

xxx

The Kenselton Hotel, 4th Floor

It wasn't very long before Neo decided that trying to continue the game wasn't going to be a very good use of time. He took out the _Path of Neo_ disc and kept it, then turned off the X-Box and unplugged it.

Neo carried up the X-Box and left to return it to the supply room at the end of the corridor. He was pinned momentarily against the wall as Will Turner ran out from the stairwell door, hotly pursued by Legolas demanding that Will return his shampoo _right now_. They disappeared out the stairwell door at the other end of the corridor, and before it closed Neo heard voices floating out of it:

"Here you go, Jack. Rum."  
"I believe that that is my shampoo, _not_ some alcoholic beverage!"  
"It... it doesn't taste like rum..."  
"Yes, but it _looks_ like rum, see?"

Then the door closed fully and Neo heard no more.

The supply room was functionally rectangular-shaped and lit with a warm orange light. Inside was stocked several boxes of food and other supplies. Near the doorway lay a crate of...

"Watch out for the rum," someone advised Neo as he entered the room. "Someone snicked the 8th floor's supply. Want some?"

Neo shook his head, closed the door, and returned the X-Box to the place from whence it came.

There were four others in the room: the one who had warned Neo about the rum, one watching television, one asleep on the couch, and a young fellow sitting on the table and munching on cornflakes.

The rum guy - whom we shall call Tim for ease of reference, although his real name very probably isn't Tim - took another gulp of rum. "Want some rum with that?" he asked the cornflakes guy. "We've got plenty of rum here."

The cornflakes guy looked blankly at him, then went on eating.

"That's the cornflakes guy," Tim informed Neo. "He doesn't talk. Just came in several hours ago. He likes cornflakes," Tom added redundantly.

Neo looked at the cornflakes guy. The cornflakes guy looked back at him questionningly. Neo reached out a hand and slowly pulled the cornflakes bowl towards him. The cornflakes guy watched it for a moment, then something seemed to click in his head. With a yell of anguish, he yanked the bowl out of Neo's hands and held it close to himself, his breaths coming quick and shallow as he stared at Neo with hurt bewilderment in his eyes.

"Don't _do_ that!" Tim said to Neo. "The last time someone tried to take his cornflakes, he cried."

Tears were already starting to form in the eyes of the cornflakes guy. Tim patted him reassuringly on the shoulder. "It's okay," he said. "I won't let anyone do that again."

The cornflakes guy put his head on the table and wept, arms cradled protectively around the cornflakes bowl. Round his wrist the tag read: 206/986/---.

_Now I've seen it all,_ Neo thought, massively weirded out and feeling more than a little uncomfortable.

Loud bangs and shouts came through the wall from the next room.

"What's that noise?" Neo asked.

"Don't mind him," Tim said. "Apparently his name is Hamlet. He started spouting Shakespeare, so they locked him in a closet."

"Whoa."

"You can say that again."

Neo wandered over to the television, which was showing _The Return of the King_. There is no significance or symbolism whatsoever in that choice of movie; I just asked my brother to name me one, and that's what he gave me.

Neo sat down on the couch and watched the movie for a while. Tim drank more rum. Being filled with alcohol was about the only way he could cope with this place.

Meanwhile on the eighth floor, Jack Sparrow - 136/003/SPA - went into the supply room looking considerably distraught.

"_But why is the rum gone!_" he asked, an empty Elven shampoo bottle in his hand and bubbles coming out of his mouth.

"The Keanu-spawn stole it," he was duly informed.

_TO BE CONTINUED._

Ack my left wrist and arm hurts from typing and feels weird.

As a side note, I don't like Orlando Bloom. That's why I feel sorry for his characters.

To see the cornflakes guy, go to Youtube and typed 'keanu corn flakes' in the search bar. That will give you a very poor quality version of the cornflakes ad. Alternatively, just type in 'keanu' and do some scrolling until you find a better quality one.

Uh, and can you give suggestions as to whom Tim may be, based on what little characterisation there is in this chapter? I haven't watched enough Keanu Reeves films to know of any of his characters who behaves like that.

Review time!


	8. Physics is Phun!

Disclaimer: Don't own anything but this story.

**MATRIX REVOLUTIONS - THE SCIENCE VERSION**

It was a night of low illumination and lots of precipitation in the upper biosphere.

The architectural formations were filled with identical carbon-based lifeforms. On the road, two more similar lifeforms were standing, facing each other. One of them, Smith, opened his oral cavity and uttered some intelligent-sounding sounds. The other one, Neo, did the same after a period of time had passed, only his utterations were slightly less intelligent-sounding.

The weak gravitational force between these two bodies was equal to the product of their masses and the gravitational constant, divided by the square of their distance apart. Having a slightly larger mass, the gravitational field strength - derived by taking the product of the mass and the gravitational constant, then dividing that by the distance between the mass and the point at which the gravitational field strength is to be measured - exerted by Smith on Neo was slightly larger than that exerted by Neo on Smith.

The two units then started moving towards each other with increasing acceleration. They made contact with a force equal to the product of their masses and final acceleration, in accordance with Newton's Second Law. Taking into account the Principle of Conservation of Momentum, the sum of the products of Neo's mass and his initial speed, and Smith's mass and initial speed, was equivalent to the products of Neo's mass and his final speed, and Smith's mass and final speed.

Neo's fist came into contact with Smith's face at a velocity _v_. The force of this impact was equal to the change in velocity from _v_ to zero divided by the time of contact, _t_. In return, Neo's fist was countered by an oppositely directed force of equal magnitude from Smith's face, as illustrated by Newton's Third Law.

If, for example, Smith had then chosen to swing Neo around by his hands, the centripetal accelaration experienced by Neo would be the product of his mass and the square of his linear velocity, divided by his height. Alternatively, this can also be expressed by the product of his mass, height, and the square of his angular velocity. If his angular velocity remains constant, his kinetic energy brought about by the spinning would remain constant, but his linear velocity and momentum would vary.

If, as is likely, the spinning causes Neo to throw up, this would cause Smith to drop him and result in Neo's vomit embarking on a parabolic path into the air. The horizontal velocity of his vomit would remain constant throughout its short journey to the ground, but the vertical velocity will experience a deceleration of -9.81 metres per second, brought about by the force of Earth's gravity. At the highest point, vertical velocity would be zero, whereupon the vomit will start to fall to the ground with accelaration g of 9.81 metres per second.

Upon hitting the ground, the vomit will possibly spatter all over Smith's nice shoes but it doesn't matter because the rain will just wash it away.

XXX  
The Kenselton Hotel

The cornflakes guy liked cornflakes; that much went without saying. That was, in itself, nothing spectacular - after all, quite a lot of people, excluding the author, like cornflakes. But for the cornflakes guy - or Corny, as he had come to be affectionately known, cornflakes were more than just a favourite breakfast cereal; they were an integral part of his life.

He didn't know when his life had begun. It was as though he had always lived in the rooms. There was the big room, which had a long dinner table lined with chairs, where he ate his cornflakes, and then there was the small bedroom of his that had just a bed, a desk, and a cupboard. It was connected to the bathroom which had a toilet, sink and bathtub, and next to that was the huge non-house-warehouse filled with cornflakes, packet milk, and other neccessities. It was from the cornflakes that he gained his nourishment and purpose of life.

It may not have been a fun existence, but he had been content. Many were the days he had spent just sitting on his white-sheeted bed in the absolute silence of his room, just being alive and nothing more.

But then... then just several hours ago strange things had happened, and he had been mysteriously transported out of his room and into a strange scary place he had never seen before, where suddenly he wasn't the only living thing around any more. Someone had put something around his wrist, dumped a keycard into his hands, and shooed him, lost and utterly bewildered, off to the fourth floor where he'd finally had a nervous breakdown in the corridor.

The guy-who-probably-isn't-called-Tim-but-who-cares-oi-people-give-me-a-better-name-before-this-sticks had found him curled up by the wall, whimpering softly.

"Hey," Tim had asked. "You're new here?"

Corny hadn't answered, not understanding the unfamiliar sounds.

"You'll get used to this place after a while, don't worry. C'mon." Tim had helped him off the ground and taken him under his care, looking after Corny whenever he wasn't too busy quaffing stolen rum.

There had been cornflakes in the storage room. Corny had noticed with delight the familiar packaging, and had decided that perhaps this place couldn't be that bad after all.

That is, until people kept trying to take his cornflakes bowl away from him, intending to deprive him of the sole object that gave him comfort here.

Tim once again offered him some rum to go with his cornflakes, and the cornflakes guy finally accepted the offer. He held out his spoon and watched as Tim poured some rum into it. Corny cautiously put the rum-filled spoon into his mouth, drank the rum, and his eyes lit up. He smiled, got off his chair, and did a happy dance just as the door opened and John walked in looking for a weapon.

John Constantine does not like happy dances.

He likes them even less when they are danced by people who look like him.

John gave Corny a questionning look, took his cigarette out of his mouth, and flicked ash into the cornflakes bowl.

Happy dance suddenly cut short, Corny stared in stupefaction at the bits of black ash floating in the milk. Tim mentally swore as tears once again started making their way down Corny's face.

John couldn't find a gun. He settled instead for a lightsaber which someone had stolen from another floor. He activated it and waved it around a little.

"Look after him," Tim told the recently-entered Ted, pointing at Corny and taking the contaminated cornflakes bowl to the sink. He emptied its contents into the trash, glared at John, washed the bowl, poured some cornflakes in, glared at John, added milk, glared at John, nearly got sliced up by the lightsaber, and returned the new bowl to Corny.

Satisfied with his new weapon, John left the room, ignoring everyone.

Meanwhile upstairs, Luke Skywalker was searching desperately for his most prized possession. "Have you seen my lightsaber?" he asked, meeting Han Solo in the corridor .

"The Keanu-spawn took it," Han informed him.

"And nobody stopped them?" Luke asked incredulously.

"Apparently they know kung-fu."

"Not _all_ of them!"

"Why take the risk?" Han asked, then bolted off as Indiana Jones came running down the corridor loudly demanding his hat back.

_TO BE CONTINUED._

Give me ideas for more versions! Or whether to scrap that altogether and concentrate more on the end-story thing.

Exams in six days. Argh.

On the wrist tag numbers... Firstly, they aren't codes of any sort, but serial numbers. Secondly, you'll need to be on the Internet. It's a pretty obvious, in-front-of-your-face kind of thing, and thus easy to not notice. And when you find it out, you'll know _for sure_ that you've got it right.

...My English seems to be dying for some reason.


	9. The Return of Enid

Disclaimer: Same old, same old.

Okay, two here...

**MATRIX REVOLUTIONS - THE INTERNET VERSION**

Smith v Neo, city map. Smith pwned Neo. Neo respawned and pwned Smith. "lulz noob," Neo said.

* * *

**MATRIX REVOLUTIONS - THE CHILDREN'S VERSION**

_See Smith! See Smith run! Run, Smith, run!  
See Neo! See Neo run! Run, Neo, run!  
See Smith hit Neo!_

Neo hit Smith too. That was very naughty of him. Just because somebody hits you doesn't mean you can hit them back, because two wrongs do not make a right.

The Oracle appeared on the street between the quarrelsome duo. "That was very naughty of you," she told them. "Good children should be nice to each other and not fight. Look at how you've hurt each other!"

"But he's The One," Smith said. "I have to fight him. It's my purpose."

"There you go now, using such big words like 'purpose'!" the Oracle said, tut-tutting gently and shaking her head.

"And we're not children," Neo said rudely.

The Oracle smiled. "Trying to be all grown up now, are you?" she asked, ruffling his hair. "Well, little Tommy, you've still got quite a way to go. Now why don't the both of you boys come in out of the rain? You'll catch such dreadful colds if you insist on playing out here! I've made your favourite cookies, fresh from the oven. I'm _sure_ you'll enjoy them!"

"You're not supposed to be here!" Smith said angrily. "I thought I took over you, but apparently all that's done is addle your brains."

"Now, now, Smithykins, please watch your language! Let's all try to keep this PG-5, shan't we?"

"This is ridiculous," Neo muttered darkly.

The Oracle turned sharply to look at him. "_What did you say?_"

Neo just stared back. "Who _are_ you, really?" he asked. "Enid Blyton ressurected from the dead?"

The Oracle pursed her lips and a dark look came into her eyes. "Thomas, you will learn the price of your insolence!" she said.

"Wha..."

A bolt of lightning struck down from the sky, throwing Neo and Smith off their feet and briefly illuminating the Oracle's face, broken into a grin of pure evil.

Lying on the ground, Neo felt a weird sensation come over him. He blinked, rubbed his eyes, tried to get up, tripped over his trenchcoat and fell back down, in front of the horrified eyes of Smith.

The two now-six-year-olds stared unbelievingly at each other.

"No _way_," Neo whispered, and his voice had changed - higher, younger. He looked at his small hands and then at the Oracle, who was now all-smiles again. Next to Neo, Smith blinked blearily. Neo pulled off his trenchcoat, stood up, and tried to stop his pants from falling of. "What do you _do_ that for?" he blurted out to the Oracle.

The Oracle smiled benevolently at the two young boys. "Do what, dear?" she asked. "And my goodness, Tommy, you're practically _drenched_! Just how long _have_ the two of you been out here?"

Smith was busy mouthing random words, having a lot of things to say but not knowing quite how to say them. He lapsed into an angry confused silence.

The Oracle smiled again and put her arms around the two of them. "Well, let's not waste any more time, shall we? The cookies will get all cold and horrid, and you _know_ how much you hate cold cookies!"

They were greeted at the foot of the staircase by a pair of highly confused adult Smith clones. The Oracle beamed at them. "Did you make them all by yourself, Smithykins?" she asked the six-year-old. How _frightfully_ clever of you!"

"B...d...b... _What?_" Smith finally managed to exclaim. "What's all this supposed to mean? This isn't supposed to happen! I'm supposed to fight him, I'm supposed to win, and..."

The Oracle patted him on the shoulder. "Now, now, let's not get all ruffled, shall we? What's all this talk about fighting? Why don't we all go into the nice warm kitchen and have some cookies first. _Then_ you can tell the Oracle all about it."

She pushed her way past the two bewildered Smith clones and up the stairs. She hummed a short string of notes, and suddenly the darkened building was flushed of all the other clones. She opened a door, and the three entered a cheery-looking kitchen. Freshly baked cookies lay on the table, and Neo started salivating despite himself. He kicked himself on the leg for giving in to the lure of the cookies, hurt, and then wondered if this constituted child abuse.

Through the window came the view of the storm outside, along with the many rows of confused Smiths who were wondering just what was going on.

The Oracle made Neo and Smith wash their hands, then got them seated at the table and gave them each a cookie.

Neo reluctantly nibbled on the cookie; then its sweetness filled his mouth and he just had to eat more of it. Smith reached into the cookie tray for a second one, unable to stop as well. They _were_ delicious, after all.

The Oracle smiled as she watched the two children eating. The ones in the Real World are next, she thought evilly.

She wondered if Morpheus would have hair as a child.

**THE END**

XXX  
The Kenselton Hotel

Neo found John at the lowest floor of the hotel, searching for a way out. There was not much way of knowing just where they were. There were no windows, and, as far as they could see, no doors either.

"There has to be some way out," Neo said as the two of them made their way around one of the empty basements.

"Not neccessarily."

"What about that guy on the arrival floor?"

"I checked," John replied. "He got here the same way we did."

"But there has to be a way out," Neo said. "Who would make a place like this and bring us all here if they were just going to seal it up?"

An idea struck John, and he headed for the lifts without a word. Neo followed him as he entered one of the lifts and hit the button for the top floor.

Exiting the lift car, John activated the lightsaber and plunged it into a random wall, carving out a rough square which he kicked in.

He was met with the bewildered gazes of the British Holdout group, sitting in the next room having tea for the umpteenth time that day.

The British Holdout group consisted of British folks who had discovered, to their chagrin, that the actors who had played them were not British, but American or Australian or Canadian or Eskimo or of some other barbarian nationality. Few outsiders knew just what kind of activities the British Holdout engaged in, other than that it involved a lot of talking in British accents, reminiscing about England, discussing English culture, laughing at Americans, and mostly drinking tea.

There had existed for a time an American Holdout group, but people made fun of them and they soon disbanded.

Unperturbed, John left down the corridor, reached the end, and cut out a portion of the wall there. This time it couldn't be kicked in. With the help of the lightsaber, he managed to get the wall portion onto the floor, and beyond the hole was darkness. John stuck his head through, looked down in the darkness past the sheer window-less side of the hotel, looked up into the underside of a pavement, and took his head out of the hole to look at Neo.

"We're underground," he concluded. "And don't say 'whoa'."

_TO BE CONTINUED._

Maths exam tomorrow.


	10. The Sound of the Matrix

Disclaimer: I don't own The Matrix or any one of the other assorted movies featured in this fic. I do however own this fic and the music that accompanies this chapter. Please don't steal either one, thank you very much.

I also own the wrong notes in the first line of the second last chorus. Fingers slipped on the piano. :(

Link to the music is in my bio. For some reason, the MP3 format version is a bigger file (2+ MB) than the wav format version (700+ KB) - no idea why. It's not supposed to be that way. But it's also of much, much better quality, so if you've got a fast and good Internet connection, take that one.

**MATRIX REVOLUTIONS - THE MUSICAL VERSION**

The same rain-spattered city scene of the previous chapters greet our eyes as Neo and Smith start walking towards each other.

A music beat starts up in the background.

On closer inspection, we see the Smith clones moving in tandem with the beat and snapping their fingers as they start to line dance.

Smith opens his mouth and he starts to sing.

Neo vs Smith

Verse 1:  
(SMITH) Good evening, Mr. Anderson, it's great to have you here  
It would be nice if in your eyes you show a little fear  
You know that in the end I'll win; there's no reason to fight-  
(NEO) I'm sorry, Smith, but this all ends tonight

CHORUS:  
The Virus and The One are doing battle in the street  
It's really quite astounding  
A wondrous visual treat  
The fate of all the humans will be sealed for good tonight  
Depending on the outcome of this fight

INSTRUMENTAL for several bars. The first word of the following bridge starts on the high drawn-out note.

Bridge 1:  
(SMITH) Why, Mr. Anderson  
Why do you persist  
I've seen it all; I know I'll win  
There's no point in resisting me

Verse 2:  
(NEO) The future's always changing, Smith; you can't be sure I'll lose  
And so I'll keep on fighting you, because that's what I choose  
No matter what, the end is here; I only stand to gain  
So give in now, it'll spare you lots of pain.

CHORUS

Bridge 2:  
(SMITH) Why get up, why keep fighting?  
Do you believe that you're fighting for something?  
Love or truth, freedom or justice?  
Illusions!

(CLONES) Illusions, illusions, vagaries of perception  
They stand in the way of perfection

CHORUS

Change key

FINAL CHORUS

**end**

Music and lyrics copyright December 2006

xxx

The Kenselton Hotel

"We're underground," John Constantine announced in the doorway of the supply room.

His words went largely unheard. The cornflakes guy blinked at him, recognised him as the mean person who'd done nasty things to his cornflakes, and pulled his bowl a little closer to himself.

His-name-isn't-really-Tim was busy drinking gin.

Alex Wyler was too engrossed with watching _The Return of the King_ to pay any attention to anything anyone said if they weren't a hobbit or elf or wizard or dirt-encrusted man. Ted joined him on the sofa with a bowl of freshly-popped popcorn.

"How's it goin', dude?" Ted asked by way of greeting.

A remote part of Alex's brain registered the fact that Ted Logan was neither a hobbit nor elf nor wizard nor dirt-encrusted man, and told him not to listen.

"Want some popcorn?" Ted offered.

...Although popcorn was another matter entirely, Alex decided. He glanced briefly at Ted. "Hi," he said, and reached into the popcorn bowl. He scooped some up, realised they were hot, winced, and dropped them back into the bowl.

Ted thought that the movie's music was most excellent.

The as-yet-unidentified guy sitting on the couch next to them was fast asleep and drooling a little.

"That's nice," not-Tim eventually said in answer to John's by-now ancient question. "Want some gin?"

John swore and left the room. He was on his own now; Neo had given up tagging along because his lungs hadn't been able to take John's smoking. He was now back in his fresh-air-filled room, happily hacking away at various Matrix fansites to make them display the message: 'Neo was here' whenever someone logged in.

**To be continued...**

DracoJames figured out the serial number code thing! Luke Skywalker - 434/977/SKY. To the rest of you - Go to the Internet Movie Database (IMDB dotcom) and mess around until you get it. ;)

**ANNOUNCEMENT**

I've finally finished and got online my fan fiction novel, _Real World_, which is where the whole Kenselton Hotel thing originated from. In the novel, several movie characters - Neo and Ted inclusive - get zapped into the real world and have to deal with each other and the discovery that they are fictional.

Fandoms - Back to the Future, The Matrix, Star Wars, Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, The Frighteners, and to some extent The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

Please read! I've had only 38 downloads since I uploaded it six days ago, and the hit count has been dropping due to lack of publicity. If you read and like it, I'd really really appreciate it if you help me to advertise. Really. Or at least leave a review in the site's guestbook (click on 'send feedback') or e-mail me, because there are a lot of people who read and don't review... I've been writing this for three years and would really like to know what people think of it. Every review counts, especially when there are only two at present. Thanks!

The link to the novel is in my bio.


	11. Ready, Set, FIGHT!

Disclaimer: Same thing.

I have a sadistic maths teacher who's making us finish worksheets in a day in what normally takes a week. I don't think I've ever done three hours of maths in a stretch before this. (Five hours in total; I took a break on the computer because my brain was hurting. Integration is evil. Especially the direct integration bit where you have to find the volume of a revolving solid.) Yay for weekends.

Meanwhile, one of my poems got through two rounds of reading and was shortlisted for Australia's _Andromeda Spaceway's Inflight Magazine_, which is this magazine for humorous sci-fi. If it gets published (approx 1 in 3 chance), it would be my first officially published writing, and I'd get a grand total of... uh, $10 for it. Plus a free copy of the magazine it appears in. Yep.

**MATRIX REVOLUTIONS - THE CHEAP VIDEO GAME VERSION**

Neo never remembered the Matrix being so pixellated. "Strange," he thought, but then he saw Smith standing opposite him in a weird position.

He was about to laugh, then realised that he too was standing in a weird position.

"Round One!" a voice shouted out of nowhere. Neo blinked.

"Uh..." Neo said.

"FIGHT!" yelled the voice. Neo jumped in shock and fell down. The little red bar over his head grew a little shorter. He didn't recall ever having a little red bar above his head, but was spared from wondering about it any further when Smith charged into him and let off a rather cool combo that caused Neo's bar to shrink into nothing.

He died.

Corny victory music played for Smith's benefit; and then, just as Neo was getting used to being dead, he found himself rudely ressurected and standing in the same strange position as before.

"Round Two!" went the same disembodied voice, but this time Neo was more prepared for it and retained enough of his composure to shout back.

"Who are you?" Neo asked.

"You're not supposed to ask questions," Smith hissed out of a corner of his mouth.

"You're not supposed to ask questions," the mysterious voice affirmed.

"But-"

"FIGHT!"

Smith lunged a fist towards him. Neo turned and ran, and crashed into an invisible barrier. The red bar above his head grew shorter.

_dfsa;lkufopwr,_ thought Neo. He pounded against the invisible barrier, the red bar getting shorter with each pound. Then it was gone.

_Oh no, not again,_ Neo thought in frustration as he died.

---

"Round Three!"

"This isn't the Matrix," Neo said. "_Where am I?_"

"Don't ask questions. FIGHT!"

Smith launched a bazooka at him. Neo died.

---

"Round Four!"

"Not _again_!"

"FIGHT!"

Smith threw a bowl of petunias at him. Neo died.

---

"Round Five!"

"LET ME OUT OF HERE!"

"FIGHT!"

Smith whipped out a lightsaber and sliced him up. Neo died.

---

"Round Six!"

"AAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!11"

"FIGHT!"

Smith force-fed him food from my school canteen. Neo died.

---

"Round Seven!"

"No... please, no... no more... let me out... let me-"

"Neo?"

"I don't wanna fight any more..."

"Wake up, dude."

Neo blinked. Suddenly, the pixellated and badly-coloured surroundings vanished and he woke up to see Ted shaking him awake. Neo blinked again and raised his head from the computer table where he'd fallen asleep.

"Wha'?" Neo asked.

"Want some popcorn?" Ted asked, offering him the bowl.

"No..."

Next to Ted, Alex Wyler took some popcorn out of the bowl and ate it.

"We heard you screaming," Alex said. "John was going around with a lightsaber, so we just thought we'd check-" His eyes landed on the computer screen. "...Is that Keanu Reeves' bank account?"

"Huh? Oh... that. Yeah." Neo ran his fingers through his hair, making it stick up at odd angles and look vaguely like someone else's hair. "Uh," he said. Then he closed the Internet window.

"_Whoa_," Alex added after swallowing a mouthful of popcorn, looking at the window under that. "Zero seconds for expert level Minesweeper? How'd you do that?"

Neo hastily closed that window too, only to fully reveal a webpage beneath that showed that all four of his Neopets were satiated with food. He bet that Smith didn't have any Smithpets, and that bit of info made him unreasonably happy. But he closed that window too, got to the computer desktop, and shut down the computer.

"Any idea what John was going on about?" Alex asked. It turned out that he had, after all, registered John's words, despite the latter not being a hobbit, elf, wizard, or dirt-encrusted human.

"What?" Neo asked.

"He said something about us being underground." Alex took more popcorn.

"Huh? Oh... that. Yeah," Neo said again.

Neo's vocabularly was at that moment having a very nice holiday in Singapore, and had no intention of returning to its owner any time soon.

Ted and Alex ate more popcorn.

Neo didn't want any popcorn.

John doesn't get any popcorn because he already has a lightsaber, and lung cancer to boot.

And I don't get any popcorn either, because my family just finished this huge tin of popcorn over the course of several nights while watching the new series of _Battlestar Galactica_.

...I think it would probably be a good idea to end this chapter now. Such concludes the tenth installment of _The Not-Particularly Excellent Adventures of the Keanu-Spawn_.

**end.**

This fic's reviews have been dropping... especially for the previous chapter. :( The hitcount actually _halved_... Where's everyone?


	12. Spoon or No Spoon, That is the Question

I don't own The Matrix franchise, nor do I own the iambic-pentameter-mad-skillz of Bill (where's Ted?) Shakespeare.

A Shakespeare version was suggested by sugar-high pixie. Thanksies.

**MATRIX REVOLUTIONS: THE SHAKESPEARE VERSION

* * *

**

Act V Scene V

NEO:  
And now stand I on this dark and wet day,  
Awaiting my foe to deal me my fate.  
Perchance I shall be victor; yet perhaps  
The hands of Time hath other plans in mind  
Such I will accept as my destiny  
The whole of Zion puts their faith in me.

SMITH:  
Observe this storm: see, the rain and dark clouds  
This world is mine to keep; challenge me not.  
I have since seen into the future time  
Through the eyes of the once great Oracle  
Who, a pity, is now gone. But no - hush!  
She lives still. Each thought of hers in my mind  
Her powers mine. To use, to own, to see.  
Stand down, Anderson, this battle is mine  
Throw not your futile strength against my might.

NEO:  
You do well to talk, stretching your discourse  
Into poor mock'ry of one late William  
Sooth, I do the same; but hypocrisy  
Is one of the forty-two great virtues.  
Put your fists where your tongue is, man, and fight.

Smith sticks his fingers into his mouth.

NEO:  
Alas, poor fool. _Figuratively_, idiot.

They fight. Neo gets in a punch, and Smith falls.

NEO:  
lulz noob

Smith gets up, and they continue fighting.

SMITH:  
(aside)  
Look at all the mes watching us battle!

They continue fighting. Smith punches Neo. Neo punches Smith. They fly up into the dark and stormy sky and have a pretty aerial battle. They land, creating a crater in the ground. Smith punches Neo. Neo falls.

SMITH:  
Give up, give up, I say. For what, fight you?  
Your efforts are vain, their fruits but little.  
Many fight for survival. But I see  
That more than self-interest motivates thee.  
'Tis love, perhaps? For a woman? A man?  
Speak; you are a quiet adversary.

NEO:  
Hear this: I fight not for riches or gain  
Or any self-fulfilling want of man  
I fight not for love. I fight not for hate  
There is but one reason that stirs my soul  
To this end. I fight because I choose to.

SMITH:  
A foolish choice.

NEO:  
It ends tonight.

SMITH:  
Those words were meant for utt'rance at the start.

Neo ignores him, gets up, and the fight continues in the crater. Smith rises into the air and looks evil.

SMITH:  
THIS IS MY WORLD! MY WORLD!

Neo gets blasted back against the crater wall. Smith lands and looks at him.

SMITH:  
(aside)  
Ah, but what is this, what is this I see?  
Marry, mine eyes hath beheld this before.  
Anderson, fallen hero lying there  
Whilst I enjoy my victory o'er him.  
But look! defiance shineth in his eyes  
This stubborness, it looketh bad on him.  
(to Neo)  
This scene I remember. The end is now.  
For all things that begin must one day pass.  
All life is but a play; your part in it  
Now concluded. Fare thee well, Anderson.

Neo inches himself off the ground and gets shakily to his feet. He approaches Smith, looking hungry.

SMITH:  
No, fiend. Halt! Your time is up. Move no more.  
Why do you yet attempt to come near me?

NEO:  
As always, you are right. All that starts, ends.

Smith sticks his hand into Neo. Gooey black stuff comes out and covers him, turning Neo not into a Smithpet, but into just another boring ol' Smith clone thing.

Nothing much very interesting is going to happen now, apart from a lot of exploding people. We can now depart from them, and cut to a cemetery somewhere in England.

One of the graves look recently disturbed, as if someone buried beneath had just done a fair bit of rolling over. Above it, the tombstone marks the spot and gives the name of the deceased: William Shakespeare.

**the end.**

(...If Keanu ever reads this, he'll come after my head with a sledgehammer. He adores Shakespeare. Alternatively, maybe he'll just ring up Hugo and get together somewhere to do an enactment of this scene... I can dream.)

x x x x  
Kenselton Hotel, fourth floor

Static. A beep, and we see a pretty nice view of a wall. A small red dot, followed by the letters 'REC', adorn the upper-right hand corner of the screen.

"Awright!" says the teenage cameraman-cum-narrator, an unidentified Keanu-spawn who may or may not be Stereo Teen #1. Not that it matters, because we won't be seeing much of him apart from what gets in the way of the camera.

"Welcome to the fourth floor of Kenselton Hotel. It starts out over there, see -"

The camera swings to show us one end of the corridor.

"-the stairs are that way, and there are more stairs that way." The camera swings around in a nausea-inducing manner. "If you go up the stairs to the eighth floor, you can find some really great rum."

The camera settles somewhat, and moves along the corridor with the cameraman. Left turn. A hand appears and pushes open the first door on that side of the corridor. We enter the room.

"That's Bob." The camera focuses on Bob Arctor, sitting on the bed and staring blankly off into space. "He doesn't say anything much. So we put him in here. Everyone else complains about the noise from the stairwell."

We leave the room. The door closes, and the camera turns to the one next to it.

"And that's Julian in there. He's our resident doctor, but most of the time he's asleep. He's probably just pretending 'cause he's sick of people pestering him for first aid. Sometimes the rum raids get nasty, see. And..."

A door opens, and out come Neo, Ted and Alex, fresh from the previous chapter, the latter two still munching on popcorn.

(Neo doesn't get any popcorn. That's what you get from trying to hack into Keanu Reeves' bank account - _you don't get any popcorn._)

"Hey, popcorn! Can I have s..."

The camera pans down slightly and then goes blank. When the picture comes back on a second later, the amount of popcorn in the bowl is significantly less than before.

"Okay, where was I..."

John Constantine stalks past carrying the deactivated lightsaber in his left hand and looking generally mad at the world. He gives the camera the finger as he passes, not turning his head.

The camera points towards another door.

"That's where we lock up the crazy ones: Barksdale, Griffin, the Shakespeare guys... There was a lot of noise in there this morning; sounded like gunshots, but it's awfully quiet in there now. Let's go take a look..."

A hand appears and unlocks the door. It pushes the door open.

For a moment we see an empty room... then suddenly loud noises erupt, the camera gets knocked around, yells and screams are heard, AND THE SCREEN GOES BLANK.

**end of transmission.**

This is when you click the pretty bluish-purple button down there and submit a review.


	13. Happy Matrix Friends

Disclaimer: I own neither the Matrix franchise nor Happy Tree Friends

* * *

**MATRIX REVOLUTIONS: THE HAPPY TREE FRIENDS VERSION**

The lines of Smiths held hands and danced, the music of their joyous singing filling the air.

"La la lalala! La la la lalala! La la lalala! Lalala lalala!"

It was raining heavily. Suddenly, a bolt of lightning struck down and split a line of Smiths horizontally into two. The Smith half-bodies fell to the ground, twitching spasmodically.

Neo pointed and laughed.

The Ice Age came on them and froze the rain clouds. They fell as huge boulders of ice, collapsing several buildings with Smiths in them.

Neo pointed and laughed.

Then an ice boulder landed on him and he stopped laughing.

"AAHHHH!" Neo yelled. He clawed at the ice boulder on top of him. Technically, he should have been able to move it, being The One and all, but this was a Happy Matrix Boulder and didn't understand that it was supposed to move.

So Neo had to get out the hard way. He dug at the ground and finally crawled over out of his self-made tunnel, his fingers worn down to bloody stumps half their original length.

He looked at them.

"Whoa," he concluded intelligently.

He squeezed a finger. Blood spurted out. Neo giggled.

"BLOOD FINGERS!" he yelled, squirting blood at the singing Smiths.

The blood stopped spurting out. He frowned, then squeezed his forearm instead. Blood gushed out. He grinned.

"MORE AMMO!" he yelled, firing jets of blood into the air.

Smith rushed him. Neo punched him in the face. Smith's eyeballs burst, and Neo squirted copious amounts of blood into his eye sockets.

Then Neo died of anaemia. The end.

* * *

Eh. And now for something slightly different... i.e. humour/angst without the humour.

The Kenselton Hotel

"But I don't want to die."

But no one pays attention to the pleas of the fictional human. The guards are impassioned. Just doing their job. They give him five minutes with his floormates, gathered in the common room.

The usual offers spurting out of mouths: "I'll go instead." They could swap clothes, fool the guards, and then... but no. Their faces might be the same, but they were still so different, and people could tell. And even if they couldn't, the guilt of staying safe while a friend died in your place would perhaps be too much to bear.

Everyone would probably have to go in the end, anyway. Eventually their name would be called.

No words can console at a time like this, though words might distract the thoughts in his head that burn in repressed rage at his undeserved death.

Now there's just the tears, wiped off hastily lest someone might see, although their eyes are already fixed on him and tracking his every action.

He wonders what would happen after he died in this world. Somewhere in his mind he tries to hope that his death would send him home to the life he was pulled out from. But hope is just hope and nothing more.

The guards look at him through the glass doors of the common room. One taps at his watch. Time is up.

Head bowed, eyes downcast, he walked slowly towards the doors, feeling the hands of his floormates lightly wish him a silent goodbye as he passes them. Their hands slip off his shoulders as he reaches the doors. He goes through, and the guards take over.

x x x

The customer fingers the gun in her hand and tests its weight. She lets off a few practice shots in the soundproofed room, then settles down to wait.

The door opens and the guards push him in. He looks up, his eyes still pleading, and for a moment she falters.

She had never really imagined it as going to be this way. He was almost too - too real, almost human, almost-

_Heck, she paid for this._

She aims the gun and squeezes the trigger, and as he hits the ground with his eyes shut in death, she waits for the expected euphoria that for some reason never comes.

**end**

* * *

Review!

Meanwhile I recently heard that Keanu is likely to be coming to my country (Singapore) to film Point Break 2 sometime in future. Should I attempt to stalk him? If yes, should I try to give him anything? I was thinking maybe the Shakespeare Matrix and the list of things in his beard (compiled with some people at the IMDB boards; currently there are 53 items purportedly in there, and counting).


	14. Of Angst and Large Birds

Disclaimer: I don't own the rights to the Matrix trilogy.

I have two exam papers tomorrow. I have learnt that exam stress somehow results in me writing a lot, instead of studying like I should be. In fact, most of my best stories were written during exam periods.

* * *

**MATRIX REVOLUTIONS: THE EMO VERSION**

_the world is crying.  
streaks of dark wet down concrete and sharp glass.  
it is over. all over!  
why can't they see that?  
why don't they __understand_??  
there is no hope left. the sun will shine no more, just like in the real world.  
yet they still want me to save them.  
they can't even save themselves.

Neo dragged the shard of broken glass yet another time across his already-serrated left wrist. The pattern of split flesh on this wrist was slightly less artistic-looking than the one on his right, what with him being left-handed and all.

This made him even more depressed. He picked up his pen and notebook again to write:

_i cant even slash my wrists prettily  
im so useless  
and they still want me to save them!!  
why dont they just kill me already if they want me to die??  
why must they get smith to do it for them??_

"Mr. Anderson," came a voice through gritted teeth. "We are starting to lose our patience."

Neo flung the blood-spattered notebook angrily at the floor and glared at Smith. "CAN'T YOU LEAVE ME ALONE??" he yelled, getting to his feet. "Do you think it's _easy_ being the One and all that, huh? Do you think I _like_ saving the world??"

Smith arched an eyebrow. "Mr. Anderson, are you wearing eyeliner?"

Neo scowled. "Why would _you_ care?" he demanded. "All you want is to take over the world and destroy me, right? RIGHT?? So why're you just standing there, huh? KILL ME, then! KILL ME!!!" Neo threw his arms wide open. Blood dripped from his wrists, splashing red into the puddles of rain on the road. Cheap eyeliner ran in black streaks down his face. Some of it got into his mouth. This made him even more depressed, because eyeliner doesn't taste good.

Neo let out a low moan and sank to his knees. "Why me?" he asked in a desperate whisper, face raised to the heavens, his eyes shut in the pain of existence. "_What did I do to deserve this?_"

There was a brief moment of divine silence, and then a loud voice came out of the sky and said in a thoughtful sort of way:

"John Constantine slashes his wrists better than you do."

"AAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!"

It was around this moment that Smith realised that leaving Neo alone with that shard of glass would be most likely to result in a highly mangled and un-take-over-able body.

So he did the practical thing and saved Neo from himself, black Smithgoo mixing with black runny eyeliner and turning the angsty Neo into an angsty Smith.

Smith adjusted the tie of his new clone. "Is it over?" he asked.

The Smith-that-had-been-Neo grimaced and turned away. "Why do _you_ care?" he muttered.

Then every Smith exploded, and all that was left was the grey rain falling on the sodden pages of a blood-spattered notebook that lay in a puddle, never again to be privy to the poetical angstings of The One.

**the end.**

* * *

**MATRIX REVOLUTIONS: THE EMU VERSION**

Neo frowned slightly at the large bird that greeted him when he entered the Matrix for the last time.

"Where's Smith?" he asked.

The large bird cocked his head at him.

The sound of fluttering drove Neo's attention to the sides of the road, and he took an involuntary step backwards.

Both sides of the road were lined with birds. Large birds. _Emus._

"This is impossible," Neo said quietly, backing off from the first emu.

The rows of emus cocked their heads at him.

"SMITH!" Neo yelled. "I know you're here!"

The two rows of emus suddenly started advancing towards each other, closing in on Neo.

"Smith?" Neo called out again. "What's with all these... birds..."

The first signs of panic started to appear on his face as the emus got ever closer, their beaks opening and closing menacingly, the beady eyes of a hundred emus fixated on Neo.

"This is insane," he muttered, and bent down into a crouch to prepare to fly off into the sky.

Then there was a loud crashing noise, and the largest emu Neo had ever seen smashed through the outer walls of one of the buildings and fell straight down to squash him flat.

A loud joyous rabid chirping filled the air as the hundred emus threw themselves onto Neo, creating the largest pile of emus that had ever been witnessed in the Matrix. For a while, all that could be seen of Neo was a feebly twitching hand, but then that too disappeared beneath a mass of feathers, beaks, and emu feet.

Down the street now sounded the steady clop of footsteps. Smith walked up to the pile of emus, looked at it, and his lips curved upwards in a small smile.

"As you see, Mr. Anderson," he said, addressing the pile of emus, "there has been... a slight change of plan."

A late emu came bounding out of a side street and joined its brothers and sisters with a 'plop' sound. Smith viewed it with some distaste.

"Goodbye, Mr. Anderson," he finally said, and walked away to celebrate his victory.

He and his copies feasted on emu that night.

**the end.**

xxx

Kenselton Hotel, fourth floor

The door opened. A teenager fell out. The door slammed shut. Seconds later, it opened again, disgorged a damaged camera, and shut again.

Jesse Walker - previously known as the cameraman - picked up his totalled camera and got unsteadily to his feet, left hand clamped over what he was pretty sure was a broken nose. He used his right forearm to wipe blood and tears somewhat unsuccessfully off his face. Down the corridor, Alex smeared popcorn grease off on his jeans and rushed over.

"Hey, you okay?"

Jesse thought of saying, "Do I _look_ okay?" but didn't, because if he opened his mouth blood would go in, and he was neither hungry nor a vampire.

"You shouldn't have gone in there," Alex said a little too late, indicating the closed door. "We keep 'em bolted in there for a reason... Ted?"

"Yeah?"

"Get a piece of paper, write 'No Entry' on it, and stick it on this door. I'm taking him up to the hospital."

"Sure, dude," Ted said, passing the popcorn bowl over to Neo and going off to the supply room in search of paper, pen and scotchtape.

Neo looked down at the popcorn bowl in his hands, and unrestrained glee started to slowly rise in him. No one else was watching him. Tentatively, he reached a hand in to scoop up some popcorn-

"_EXPECTORANT!_"

And then a bolt of silver flew through the air and knocked the bowl clean out of his hands, where it landed on the carpet and scattered popcorn everywhere.

A redhead teenager was running up the corridor, panting for breath, his outstretched hand holding a wooden stick. He was followed by a bushy-haired girl of his age.

"It's _Expecto Patronum_, you dolt!" the girl was yelling. Both teenagers ignored Neo and had their eyes fixed on the other end of the corridor, where a cloaked black figure had keeled over and was now spewing copious amounts of phlegm out onto the carpet.

"Sorry," the youth said. "Well, it worked, didn't it?"

The girl shook her head in despair. "Honestly, Ron..."

Their feet crunched popcorn as they moved on toward the retching figure in black.

"_Expecto Patronum!_" the girl said. A large silver thing came out of her wand, chased the Dementor away, and they followed it into the stairwell, the door closing behind them and leaving Neo feeling highly confused and popcorn-deprived.

Ted ambled out of the supply room with a piece of paper with 'No Entry' written on it. He looked around, trying to figure out which door it was that he was supposed to stick the sign on. _There's only one way to find out_, he decided with a shrug, unbolting the nearest door and peeking in.

Neo regained his senses quick enough to yank Ted away to safety and slam the door shut. Grimacing, he struggled with the wiggling door handle and shot the bolt back home. Someone on the other side kicked the door. Neo heard swearing and mutterings of, "so much for lunch."

"Give me the sign."

Ted passed it over along with the scotchtape, and Neo taped it firmly to the door.

"What's that?" Ted asked, looking at the Dementor's vomit.

"You don't want to know," Neo said, casting a disappointed look at the spilled popcorn.

**to be continued.**

xxx

Review time! Reviews make me happy. Exams make me not-happy. And woe is me, for my parents have deserted me for the housewives of desperation.

The bonus story extra bit section is now also available on the Club-Keanu forums under the Creative Corner. On the version posted there, bits have been added to it to make it flow better and give some background on Kenselton Hotel.


	15. Low Budgeted Funtimes!

Disclaimer: As surely as Morpheus has no hair, the Matrix trilogy is not mine.

* * *

**MATRIX REVOLUTIONS: THE D-MOVIE MAGIC VERSION**

The rain fell in bucketfuls, which Neo found kind of painful whenever he found himself in the way of one.

Another load of water landed squarely on his head with a splash. He spluttered and took off his shades to wipe them dry, only to receive another bucketful that stung his eyes and pissed him off.

"Stop that," he hissed, but the trigger-happy rain-effects dude named Fred paid no attention as he cheerily lifted another bucket of water and upturned it.

Neo dodged it just in time and watched with relief as the water missed him. This made Fred sadface. He knew that The One could dodge bullets, but he was of the opinion that water moved faster and didn't like seeing his theory debunked.

"Mr Anderson!" Smith said. "Welcome back. We... _missed_ y- URgLE!"

Neo gained some satisfaction from seeing the bucketful of water emptied over his nemesis.

"Like what I've done to the place?" Smith continued, unperturbed but a little louder to show his anger.

The place in question was a long-disused backlot of Warner Brothers studios, which was now full of painted cardboard pieces pretending to be buildings. On both sides of the street a row of cardboard Smiths stood staring solidly ahead at nothing.

Neo prodded one. It fell over and got caught in the next deluge of water.

This made Smith angryface.

Neo shoved more cardboard Smiths over and watched with glee as they all toppled and got soaked. He stole a guilty glance at Smith to see if he had noticed.

He had.

"_What are you doing, Mr. Anderson?_" Smith bellowed.

Neo kicked another cardboard Smith over in answer. "That," he said, pointing, in case the practical demonstration had been lost on Smith.

Smith burned with rage. _That's it,_ he decided, and in a sudden swift motion reached into his coat pocket, whipped out a slender wooden stick, and pointed it at Neo. "_AVADA KEDAVRA_!" he yelled.

A bolt of green shot out of the wand towards Neo. Impact. A whole lot of bacteria on the trenchcoat of The One met a sad and untimely end. But there was no time for mourning; Neo whisked out his own wand that he had stolen off the Harry Potter set next door and jabbed it in Smith's direction. "_Diffindo!_"

Smith's shades shattered to pieces.

Neo whirled around and pointed the wand at the rain-effects dude named Fred. "_Aquamenti_!" he shouted. Jets of water shot out of his wand and hit Fred before he had time to react. Neo smiled. Revenge was sweet.

But then Neo found himself placed under the Imperius Curse by Smith, who then spent several happy seconds forcing The One to tap dance.

Neo finally broke free of the curse. "_Wingardium Leviosa_!" he yelled, swishing and flicking hysterically at the various cardboard Simths littered around the street. They levitated into the air, and Neo hurled them at his opponent.

"_Incendio!_" Neo shouted at a curious emu left over from the previous chapter. It caught fire and exploded.

"_Sectumsempra!_" Neo shouted at a curious emo left over from the previous chapter. Bloody slashes appeared all over the emo's body, to his great exhilaration. Then he died.

"_Crucio!_" screamed Smith as he flung his wand at Neo. It hit Neo on the head, which kind of hurt, but not as badly as it would have if Smith had held on to his wand.

Then the Harry Potter director from next door appeared and said please could he have his props back, and by the way had anyone seen his pet emu Oscar?

**the end.**

xx

Kenselton Hotel  
Block F, fourth floor

"What happened in there?" Alex asked as they entered the stairwell.

Hand still clamped over what he hoped was still sufficiently his nose, Jesse Walker made several incoherent noises and gave up trying to talk.

He remembered hands grabbing hold of him and yanking him into the room the moment he'd opened the door; camera dropping from his hands and hitting the ground, someone slamming the door shut again, and a sharp box to his face as he'd tried to struggle out of his captor's grip...

"Don't kill him, Donnie. Not yet."

The voice had come from the upper bunk bed in the room, where David Allen Griffin lay smiling creepily at the ceiling.

"Let me go!"

David laughed. "What did you expect would happen when you opened that door? Mr. Jack Traven and his friends keep us locked in here for a reason."

"You killed them!" Jesse yelled. "Jonathan, and Eddie..."

"Yeah," David admitted. "I was bored. What did they do with the bodies, anyway? I never got the chance to ask."

Jesse vaguely remembered the undertakers: some group called Soylent Green that had assured them that they would take care of everything. Deaths were not uncommon at Kenselton Hotel, and when they happened, Soylent Green was always ready to help with the bodies.

"What do you want with me?" Jesse asked instead.

On the bunk, David rolled over to face the teen down below. "Nothing. You're the one who came in here, after all. Of course, it would be great if you could ask your friend Jack to let us out of here. It's getting a little... claustrophobic."

"What makes you think he's my friend?"

David smiled. "You're not locked in here with us, are you?" He pulled himself up into a sitting position and dropped down to the floor. "See that door?" he asked, pointing at the small room's only exit. "It's unbolted now, thanks to you. We could just walk out there, and they'll just put us back in here. That's not very nice of them, is it?"

"It wasn't very nice of you to kill Jonathan and Eddie."

"Hit him again, Donnie."

Donnie Barksdale happily obliged. Jesse yelled as his nose broke.

"Before they stuck us in here, I did some research on your friends out there," David said. "Why don't you ask... _Neo_... how many people _he's_ killed?"

"Neo's a good guy," Jesse gasped through the pain.

David laughed and gestured towards the door. "Let him go," he told Donnie.

* * *

RIP Heath Ledger. :( 

And a happy very-belated New Year to all of you.

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The site got featured in a news article on KeanuWeb and listed under 'Cool Sites' on Club-Keanu, which made me happyface. Link is in my bio. Go check it out, and comment in the guestbook when you're done. :D


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